I Realized It Was Love, A Little Too Late

Prelude

The grade was 6th, and the age was 11. The concept of falling in love never crossed paths in my mind's carousel, considering it was when I would spend my after school day binging on Tarak Mehta Ka Ulta Chasma (Tarak Mehta's Upturned Glasses). My school was an all girls' Catholic Convent school, I'm sure you must be thinking, "of course, not surprised"; but in my story however, just as how I struggled to understand emotions, my ability to make friends too is not something I'm proud of. I was a pretty shy person and would be enlightened if anyone pursued my direction.

April, 2007

Every Tuesday we'd have to assemble in the school library for an hour, we were made to sit according to our roll numbers or registration numbers. The library had a 19th Century interior which ended up having us sit in a long trail, side by side and across. We were also paired in twos, so obviously it meant I had to make conversations with someone for the rest of the year or else I'd be that weird kid in class with nobody to talk to in one concrete place for one whole hour for 365 days.

Not like I was any less weird with the absence of a group of friends during the day.

May, 2007

She sat beside me - sweating and panting - I assumed it was because she ran from the basketball court to the library. We took our glances at each other. Did she see me check her face out? How, to me, her skin must've felt like silk - a little rough because of the monthly bumps here and there. She was beautiful - as a girl, of course.

May, 2007

All the pairs had to share a book from the library during that one hour, which only translated to uninterrupted supply of Nancy Drews and Hardy Boys. So we read. Until one of us would ask the other if they were done reading to turn the page. I don't remember a single story from any of the books we read in the library, maybe because I was too focused on trying to get to know her as much as I wanted her to know me.

September, 2007

It's halfway through the year and I had successfully made her laugh. Now when I reminisce, the details of her laughter seems even clearer. Her hair had grown a bit, a little below her shoulders, I wouldn't exactly know. She always tied her hair up in a ponytail.

November, 2007

"The school has scheduled a what now?!", exclaimed the Hindu in me. Bible studies classes. It was a short walk from our building to the elementary section of the campus. Our library sessions were coming to an end.

November, 2007

"Guess she won't show up for today's cla-", I sighed to my surprise as I saw her standing by the door-frame of our new Bible Studies classroom. Sweating and panting, I assumed she ran from the basketball court to the classroom this time as well. We took our glances at each other. She waltzed towards me with the game ball in her hand and dropped her body on the floor with her head resting on my chest. She was lying against me, on my legs, and the entire class was watching me, watching us.

I could hear something in the distance, it wasn't in the distance. It was the thumping beats of my heart which I could hear ever so clearly now. I was scared, "Can she hear them too? Her ears are so close to my chest." I tried to flinch away, only to realise, she had drifted off to sleep, and I continued watching the screening of Moses on the box television.

December, 2007

It was December and the time for our Annual Sports Day practices, I'm not a morning person, neither was I back then too. I reached the classroom to my notice that I was the only one in there. The desk I sat on was at the front of the row, it suited me well for my unnecessarily inflated ego - oh, I had made two good friends by then, to talk to. I folded my arms and rested them on my desk followed by the placing of my chin and shut my eyes.

I felt a gust of wind slap my eye lashes to which, I awoke to realise, I was looking at her. She was crouching in front of my desk, with her hands folded in front of mine, her chin resting on them. She smiled at me, and I smiled back. She was so close, I could count the number of light rays reflecting against her rectangular eye glasses; her baby hairs were unkempt, it must've been the bus ride. Did she have freckles? I don't remember, she was milk fair. Her lips couldn't seal the rabbit teeth from making an appearance. She was beautiful.

Epilogue

She was beautiful. I don't know where she is now, I don't know if she even remembers me. But if there is anything I do know now, is that, I realized I was in love back then only 13 years later.

Guess that's the way of life, you aren't allowed to think and then think some more, you have to live it to feel it. Whatever it was, however it may have been through her eyes; I wouldn't change a thing about it, and when I die, I will die happy reminiscing the essence of how it felt when I was 11. Thank you, A.

Regards,

Roy

#LGBT, #Queer, #FirstLove